Seeking a mature point of view (continued)...

[roudebush]

Seeking a mature point of view (continued)... ..I feel like I am at a crossroads right now. My therapists have encouraged me to be true to myself by "coming out", but I don't see the advantages of that. I have told them that doing so would further put a riff between my family and I, and they reply that I can create my own family. It's not that easy to create a "family" when you don't even have any friends. On the other hand, I could continue hiding who I am and not be able to experience true love, and in essence, be alone for the rest of my life, for the sake of not losing my family entirely. But then again, I could "come out" and still be alone, and what good would that be? I just don't know what to do. All I know is that I cannot continue living a life of loneliness, perpetual sadness, and isolation, especially when I know what that kind of life can and has led to for others like me.

[helser]

So start making some LGBTI friends by joining social groups and activities that you enjoy. Find an LGBT center with coming out support groups, and perhaps a counselor. Make a new circle of support before coming out to your family. It is not a all or nothing choice. Stack the deck in your favor!

[hurrell]

first, welcome. I had similar feelings when I was first coming out; I belonged to a southern baptist church, and that's where all of my friends were. I came to realize later that the church wasn't for me, but luckily I was able to keep some of my friends, even if I couldn't tell them about my inner conflict. It wasn't until after I moved to a bigger city several years later that I was finally able to be honest with myself and with the people around me. I found a group of people that I "fit" with, I started volunteering at an animal shelter, and I immersed myself in the lifestyle. I've met a lot of different people--some are still around, others have moved on. The constant though is that I've remained true to myself. As I read over this again, it all seems very trite and cliched, and even After School Special-ish. Coming out is one of those things that takes time, and only you know when it's right. As for posting here, take it all in and let it marinate. Some of it will work for you, some of it won't, but most all of us have been where you are at some point or another.

[hinsch]

Denial & closet living is so incredibly painful You don't have to make any major decisions this moment...that said, I encourage you to peruse this link which is specifiy about coming out...this is the Utah Pride Center in Salt Lake City:

[youngblut]

May I ask if you are mormon?

[jacinda]

The reason I ask is because i grew up in eastern washington and idaho with many mormon friends some of whom left the church. Just leaving the church was an incredible hardship for them. Leaving because of one's sexuality would be hard beyond my imagination especially if living in SLC. So if that is the case I guess I would recommend complete your education and then move.

[torgerson]

be aware that coming out won't in & of itself alleviate any of what you are suffering from/with. So don't come out prior to being fully ready & at peace with it under the misguided notion that once you are out, life will be rainbows & unicorns, b/c it won't. It does not sound like you are in denial about your sexuality, you are simply conflicted about the pros versus cons of coming out. Therapists should not be telling you what to do (be it coming out or whatever). I'd be wary of ones who are doing that. I'm sorry you are struggling but, be assured, you will find your way. We all have.

[moura]

advantages vs. disadvantages of coming out: I agree with L4F - stack the deck in your favour. Build a support system while you ponder coming out. Do any of your friends or family know, like say a sibling but not your parents? Maybe you could approach coming out like getting out of debt - a long term strategy over a number of years. Like if you're dependent upon your family for tuition or housing, wait until you're more independent before coming out. You don't want to put yourself in a situation where you're up the creek without a paddle. Meanwhile, you could begin contacting queer community centers, reading books, talking with other queer women online (cough) whatever you're comfortable with. You don't have to jump off a cliff, you could take the stairs, one at a time.

[sulser]

I think you should come out to friends first If you don't have friends then make some. If you live in a state or work for a company that prohibits discrimination come out to work friends as well. While I don't think you should necessarily start a whole new family I do think you should live independently. If you are receiving support from your family or living with them I wouldn't damage your relationship with them but I would establish financial independence and get your own place. Live your life, be happy, maybe start a relationship and experience what it is like to be accepted by your friends for who you really are. Then when you stop feeling isolated and alone come out to your family when you are at peace and from a position of strength. You could come out to the least conservative family members first to bolster your position and get them on your side. It could be a year or even a few years between coming out to friends and coworkers and coming out to family.

[blais]

So glad you posted I am amazed that, even though I may not have written this post, the responses and encouragement that you have gotten from this has shed some light for me as well. Thank you, cg, I wish you well and offer as much encouragement from someone who is travelling down the same path as you, can. :)

[jo-ann]

My girlfriend was in a situation like that Her family is very religious--they recently became a bit more liberal and they joined one of the churches under Rick Warren (yeah, like I said, that was *more* liberal than they were before). She also moved away from them to go to college, so there was that same distance factor that you mentioned.In some ways, being away from her family for a little while ended up helping, because it allowed her to come out in one sphere of her life while still remaining in the closet to them. Coming out does not have to happen "all at once."I understand that if you are in SLC then it will be hard for you to come out anywhere, since it is small and people know what happens all over the town. Perhaps this is not as exciting as being out in "real" life, but I know many other posters on this board originally came out on here before they had the opportunity to do it in real life, and they have said it was very helpful just to be able to talk with other women, even if they had to wait a little while to date and such.

[pontillo]

I wish you good luck. Please remember that you don't really ever know what's going to happen next. When you say you: "cannot continue living a life of loneliness, perpetual sadness, and isolation, especially when I know what that kind of life can and has led to for others like me." I don't know whether you're talking about the closeted life, or the life of the rejected gay daughter of a conservative family, or the life of a gay adult. There are plenty of us here who are both queer and happy, and accepted, and well loved by our partners, families and friends. Coming out does not guarantee you a lifetime of isolation. I agree with everyone above who recommend that you work toward getting on firm footing financially and emotionally. Sounds like your first relationship ended badly. That's pretty common too. Even when you crash and burn, you can learn something.